Today in his letter, a reader of my columns ask me to do a magic trick : transform a casual sex into love. Can I ?
First of all, a big thank you for your website and mostly your videos, they are really great. Well, I am not going to say more, I can imagine that you get complimented enough. Here is my story, or my question.
I met this girl after quite a tipsy night out, in front of the Rex. Her name is Julie. She was looking for a cab just like I was, and as it was a long wait, we decided to share the first one showing up. On the backseat, some incredible stuff happened, without even speaking too much, we kissed each other. It must be said that the overall feeling was present, and that the alcohol certainly helped. Anyway, I got myself at her’s and then into her. We are both single so we agreed that night that we would be sex friends or more vulgarly, regular booty call.
It has been now a month that we see each other every week, one night out of two, as well being said that we start to know each other very well. In my case I am starting to really care about her ! Even if we have such different taste we work under the same principles and share the same values. This is also why I think our sexual agreement is so good.
Now I would like to know how to make her fall in love, or at least know if she also feels something on this level. I know that if I state it out loud I am dead but here I really do not know what to do.
Romain, there is something that bothers me in your letter and it is this sentence: « we agreed that night that we would be sex friends ». It is a bit like the mutual break up : it only exists in the dumped one’s mind « we agreed to break up » excepted that the « we » does not exist. So I will reformulate: she suggested that you would be sex friends.
The contract terms
Instead of going straightly for a home run when dropping her at her place, you could have said “you are going to give me your phone number and we are going to have a drink next week”. Rather than this you subscribed to a contract with a stranger without even taking the time to read what was written in small characters. At the bottom of the regular booty call contract, just before the signature area, it is written:
I give up sexual and romantic exclusivity with [other part of the contract] and understand that [other part of the contract] does not have at the time of contracting any feeling of love regarding myself.
Subscribe to a booty call with a stranger is almost as hazardous as becoming friend with that person hoping to seduce her (/him) later. In another way, only accept this kind of deal if you are definitely sure that she is not the woman of your life. I only know one secure way that can lead to a relationship and it is the one I describe in my first DVD, the one you are not taking. Others would say “of course it is possible, I saw it in a movie with Natalie Portman”. Yeah sure, like it must be humanly possible to run a marathon wearing swimming fins or to climb the Alps in a G-string, but I care more about the rule than the exceptions.
No challenge, no love
You saw each other one night out of two? Why not every night then. It is true, at this point, that does not make much of a difference anymore.
Being challenging to a girl (what a lot of men are not and you have not been with her) is above all knowing how to become rare and by this way desirable (and not being expected for). During your absence, imagine that you tense an elastic towards Julie. The tenser it is when you let it go, the longer it will take for the mark it leaves to fade away. Too tense, the elastic breaks up. Not tense enough, and it is your case, the elastic provokes a little tickle rapidly forgotten.
Romain, it is not her role to establish the rules of what is going to be the relationship after one hour. You should have acted as to make her wonder what the relationship is, what happens after what I call the probation period, a sequence of dates and romantic evenings equally spared in time.
Add to this that she had you without fighting for it. At what time did she make any effort to get you? At what point did you make her feel that you are special? At what moment did she understand that she was special? You huge trouble is that you were acquired too easily, and the easier we acquire things, the easier it is to detach ourselves from them.
Cut the elastic
Now you start to fall in love with Julie. It is possible that it will lead to a real relationship only on one condition, that you see her less often: it is time to cut the elastic which in any way was not helpful. You will book your agenda. It must be her that demands to see you, and you will delay the meetings. Once you find a more reasonable rhythm (once or twice a week) you will make sure that these meetings do not sum up to a hook up. You will stimulate her differently. Here are a few ideas of text messages to give you the right tone:
“Meet me tonight at 10PM at Le palais de Tokyo’ terrace (high heels and dress required)”
“I am coming if you prepare me something to eat. I will take care of the wine.”
“Come to my place after 11PM. It is not necessary to wear underwear.”
As Romain, you have a question concerning encounters, seduction, sex or relationships and you would like me to handle your case under an article form? Ask here.